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The Gridiron Club's 2011 Political/Media Roast and Toast Lyrics

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Once again, you won't see this costumed spoof on C-SPAN or YouTube, unless someone among the record 633 invited guests at Saturday night's 126th annual Gridiron Dinner surreptitiously captures the singing, dancing and wise-cracking and posts it online.

Of course there's always a chance an adroit cellphone or camera-toting guest will violate club rules, either at the dinner or at Sunday's matinee reprise show, thus busting an image-less tradition in place since 1885.

Say what you will about the irony or hypocrisy of a group of journalists barring media cameras from broadcasting the onstage antics (C-SPAN has been asking to do just that for a quarter century). Only the speeches by President Obama, Gov. Mitch Daniels of Indiana (cracking jokes for the Republicans) and Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sibelius (doing stand-up for the Dems) will be on the written record, although many more details will likely leak out.

In a nod to the times, tweeting, Facebooking and other instant communication about all aspects of the dinner were embargoed until it ended.

So in the interest of semi-transparency, herewith the lyrics from every parody performed
this weekend by nearly 100 journalists and a handful of vocally-blessed ringers with truly great voices.

Don't Stop Believin' (Journey/Glee)

DEMOCRATIC CHEERLEADERS singing about Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Obama

DEM CHEERLEADER 1

He came from Ha-wai-i, with hope, change and audacity.
Now two years later and he is on the run.

DEMOCRATIC CHEERLEADER 2

In a designer blouse, not long ago she ruled the House. She lost her power, and it's just no damn fun.

DEMOCRATIC CHEERLEADER 1

He calls her on the telephone.

DEMOCRATIC CHEERLEADER 2

Says Nancy, are you all alone?

BOTH

For a moment, they both shut their eyes, and dream on and on and on and on.
What if midterms, had turned out very differently?

DEMOCRATIC CHEERLEADER 1

What if red states had turned blue?

CHEERLEADER 1

What if we could, cap and trade and then we'd save the whales.

CHEERLEADER 2

Health care for all,

DEMOCRATIC CHEERLEADER 2

Dental too!

BOTH

Don't stop, believin'.

REPUBLICAN CHEERLEADERS 1& 2

Who are you deceivin'?

DEMOCRATIC CHEERLEADER 1

We're cooked.

DEMOCRATIC CHEERLEADER 2

We're through.

DEMOCRATIC CHEERLEADERS 1 & 2

Whoa oh oh!
Don't stop believin'.

REPUBLICAN CHEERLEADERS 1& 2

Dudes, you must be dreamin'.

DEMOCRATIC CHEERLEADER 1

Farewell.

DEMOCRATIC CHEERLEADER 2

Aloha.

DEMOCRATIC CHEERLEADERS 1 & 2

Whoa oh -oh!

CHORUS

Don't stop!


LIVIN' ON A PRAYER (Bon Jovi/Glee)

REPUBLICAN CHEERLEADER 1

Boehner used to work in a bar.
Palin hunts for moose, they're not very far.
Like Russia, they're in her yard.

REPUBLICAN CHEERLEADER 2

Bachmann would repeal this whole room.
Newt is back for more, O'Donnell might fly in soon, On her broom.

REPUBLICAN CHEERLEADER 1 & 2

Now, that we're run by the Tea Party
Let's fire all the unions, make them work for free.
With God and money we rule the House for now,
Just don't ask us how.

REPUBLICAN CHEERLEADER 1

Are we screwed next year?

DEMOCRATIC CHEERLEADERS 1 & 2

Hell yeah! You haven't got a prayer.

REPUBLICAN CHEERLEADER 2

Senate seemed to be so near.

DEMOCRATIC CHEERLEADERS 1 & 2

No way, you haven't got a prayer.

CHORUS

Haven't got a prayer!


TIME WARP (Rocky Horror Show/Glee)

SPEAKER

And now the part, where we sing 'bout ourselves.
I apologize, boss, if this causes any stress.
But fair is fair, and no one is exempt here,
So now it's time, to poke fun at the press.

PRESS CHEERLEADER 1

I remember, when newspapers were dying
Network ratings in the dumps, it surely looked like the end.
The furloughs were appalling, but then Bloomberg started calling.
We're back in business again.

CHORUS

We're back in business again.

PRESS CHEERLEADER 2

There's Arianna on the left.

PRESS CHEERLEADER 1

Glenn Beck's on the right.

PRESS CHEERLEADER 2

Juan Williams works for Fox now.

PRESS CHEERLEADER 1 NPR?

Not so bright.

PRESS CHEERLEADER 2

Is that Jul-i-an Assange there?

PRESS CHEERLEADER 1

No, he's not that insane.

BOTH

But thanks, Jules, your leaks were our gain.

CHORUS

We're back in business again.

REPORTER

I took a flogging, before I started blogging,
Each morning I write tweets, then switch to video.
I like to write at Starbucks, it's like the newsroom 'cept it don't suck,
Maybe I'll go to work at Patch, and cover 'burbs in Kokomo.
Politico sent out a news alert, in just one hour it's the thirty-third.
The cycle never stops, 24-7 in the know.
Enrollment's up in J-school. We're the cool kids but not that cool.

DEMOCRATIC AND REPUBLICANS CHEERLEADERS AND REPORTER

So welcome to Gridiron, my friends.

CHORUS

Welcome to Gridiron, again.
Wel-come to Grid-iron, a-gain.


KNOCK AROUND BARACK (Rock Around the Clock, Bill Haley)

Cast portraying Republican Reps. Eric Cantor, Kevin McCarthy, Paul Ryan, Darrell Issa

CANTOR

House went up 63, thanks a lot Barack
Six more seats in the Senate, thanks a lot Barack
Boehner's now the Speaker, and the Dem's are still in shock
We're gonna knock Barack around the clock
Pick your spending cuts, and come with us
We'll put it all in an Omnibus

RYAN, McCARTHY, ISSA

We're gonna block Barack around the clock
We're gonna block block block it's our bedrock
We're gonna rock gonna rock our great big voting bloc

CANTOR

When health care dies, and earmarks flee
We'll owe a debt to the tea par-ty

TRIO

We're gonna move Obama to the right
We're gonna mock mock mock his election fright
We're gonna talk, gonna talk, and then we might indict

CANTOR

Republicans will have our way
We'll protect your wealth when you pass away
We're gonna knock Barack around the clock
It's just a recipe for more gridlock
We're gonna block, gonna block Barack around the clock.

CHORUS

We're gonna block Barack around the clock
It's a recipe for more gridlock
We're gonna knock, gonna knock Barack around the clock.


A BOEHNER MEDLEY (From: Johnny Angel, Shelley Fabares, and It's My Party, Lesley Gore)

Cast portraying John Boehner

LEAD SINGER

Johnny Boehner (GIRL GROUP: Johnny Boehner), he's our Speaker (he's our speaker)
He's got charm and grace and such élan
We Republicans are thrilled
That he's our No. 1 man

Johnny Boehner (GIRLS: Johnny Boehner), how we love him (how we love him)
He's the one who some of us adore
How we hold our breath when votes
Are counted on the House floor

He gets headaches
All his ducks in a row
Shot down by his own folks
No wonder that he smokes
In his loafers, and his bright-colored ties
At least he wears a shirt
While others online flirt

Johnny Boehner (GIRLS: Johnny Boehner), we still love him (we still love him)
He's so orange, suave and doctrinaire
If his convictions have to die
At least he'll do it with flair

ALL SHOUT: LOOK! HERE HE IS NOW!

BOEHNER (It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To)

Nobody knows just how hard it can be
Keeping a caucus in line;
Right wingers go their own way.
They pay their speaker no mind.

I'm try'n to show them some leadership here
Some gravitas and some gu-uts;
How did I end up in bed
With all these Tea Party nuts?

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to,
Cry if I want to, Cry if I want to;
You would cry too if it happened to you.


LADIES OF MAINE (Lady of Spain, Eddie Fisher)

Cast portraying: Republican Sens. Jim DeMint; Sen. Rand Paul; Sen. Olympia Snowe

DUET

Ladies of Maine, we abhor you
Loyalty means nothing to you
How could you work with those yahoos?
Just when we needed you most?

Stimulus money, how could you?
Gays and abortion, why would you?
Tea party's now aiming for you
Ladies of Maine, you'll be toast.

CHORUS:

Ladies of Maine, you'll be toast


REPUBLICAN MEMOIRS (Paperback Writer, The Beatles)
Cast portraying George W. Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, and Dick Cheney

BUSH

Hey Dick and Rummy, did you read my book?
It took me DAYS to write, you should take a look
it's based on my mem'ry of decider days
how I got Saddam,
Even when I learned that he had no weapons

CHORUS

He had no weapons

RUMSFELD

Iraq's my story and I do confess
How because of YOU it became a mess
Paul Bremer, Condi Rice and Colin too
Screwed the whole thing up
Never told me that we needed more troops there
Needed more troops there

CHORUS:

Needed more troops there...troops there....troops there...

CHENEY

Mine will come out soon and then I'll settle scores
Like Iraqi prisoners you'll be on all fours
Al Qaeda's working to destroy this place,
Still a real grave threat
But Obama knows that we did the right things

CHORUS:

We did the right things

BUSH, RUMSFELD, CHENEY

If you really like them you can have our rights,
We can make a movie for you overnight.

BUSH: Brad Pitt, RUMSFELD: George Clooney, CHENEY: and Matt Damon too.

They can play our parts
Just as long as they can make us look macho
Make us look macho

CHORUS:

Make them look macho...macho...macho


FINGER IN THE WIND (Candle in the Wind, Elton John)

Cast portraying GOP Sens. John McCain and Lindsey Graham

MCCAIN:

Gays in the military
Used to never bother me at all
I was happy once letting
The Joint Chiefs make that call
And on immigration,
You know my old stance was withdrawn
And my message, it became:
"Hey Juan, get off my lawn." [shout this line]

And it may seem to you I lived last year
With my finger in the wind
Never knowing what to cling to
'Cause I had to win
And when it comes to all your judgments
Frankly, I don't give a damn.
I still have my Senate seat
And my best friend, Lindsey Graham

CHORUS
He still has his Senate seat
And his best friend, Lindsey Graham


LEADER OF THE PAC (Leader of the Pack, the Shangri-Las)
Cast portraying Mitch Daniels and Girl Group

SPOKEN:

MITCHETTE 1

Is she really gonna give to HIM ?

MITCHETTE 2

Well, there she is. Let's ask her.

MITCHETTE 1

Betty - Is that Mitch's PAC you're supporting?

BETTY:

Mm-hmm

MITCHETTE 2

Gee - it must be great giving to Mitch.
Is he doing anything for you?

BETTY

Uhn - uhn

MITCHETTE 1

By the way, where'd you meet him?

SUNG:

Betty:

I met him at the O-M-B
He read tax code and rules to me
You get the picture?

MITCHETTES

Yes, we see

BETTY:

So now I give to the AIMING HIGHER PAC.
(Motorcycle Noise)
Some folks say he's a true heavyweight (Mitchettes: weight, weight)
Though he may come from a really dull state

MITCHETTES

(Watcha mean when ya say that he comes from a really dull state?)

BETTY

They said he had no height
But I fell for his might
That's why I give to the AIMING HIGHER PAC
(Motorcycle Noise)
One day I might want somebody new (Mitchettes: new, new)
But till then Mitch will just have to do

MITCHETTES

(Watcha mean when ya say that ya might want somebody new?)

BETTY

My Hoosier's plans are grand
But sometimes he seems bland

CHORUS

But still she gives to the AIMING HIGHER PAC

THE IMPOSSIBLE TWEET (The Impossible Dream, from Man of La Mancha)

SARAH PALIN character

To tweet the un-thought-about tweet
To own my own name through trademark
To scorn those who opine against me
To shoot caribou on a lark

To give those at C-Pac the shaft
To star in reality shows
To bear the unbearable liberals
To blog about things I don't know

This is my quest
To side-step the press
To run if I want to
Not under duress

To fight for the right
And to lay waste the left
To be willing to refudiate
Without knowledge or heft

And I know if I only stay true
To my Tea Party base
That my books and my speeches will sell
If I just show my face

CHORUS

And her world will be richer for this
Who needs work or an office to seek

PALIN

I'll rise as a modern-day Shakespeare
To tweet the un-thought-about tweet


I'VE SEEN EVERYONE (I've Been Everywhere, Hank Snow)
Cast portraying Karl Rove and various GOP presidential candidates names in the song

ROVE

Well, back in the day, you know
They called me the ARCHitect
I had a certain knack for knowin'
Who the people WOULD elect

But this time I dunno unless
There's someone I've missed
And, listen, man, I've looked at
Every hopeful on the list!

I've seen every one, man
I've seen every one, man
Sure as the mornin' sun, man
They all wanna run, man
Egos by the ton, man
I've seen every one.

I've seen...
Romney, Huckabee, Christie, Giuliani
Johnson, Huntsman, Daniels and Pawlenty
Roemer, Cain, DeMint, Santorum
Trump, Bush, Bachmann, Barbour and Bolton
Perry and Pence and Palin and Paul
Gingrich, too, I've seen 'em all.

Tim is excitin' -- NO, not very
But HE's got Red Hot Smokin' Mary
Cain's an expert with a pizza
Mitch, he's shorter than Scalia
Haley hopes he can win it all,
And history'll get an overhaul.

I've seen every one, man
I've seen every one, man
Sure as the mornin' sun, man
They all wanna run, man
Egos by the ton, man
I've seen every one.

I've seen ...
Huckabee at his weekly weigh-in
Sarah Palin out surveyin'
Eye of Newt and chin of Romney
Guy in drag, that's Giuliani
Mitt, he's drivin' fast and far
With man's best friend strapped to his car.

John McCain, I guess he's history
What he's thinkin', it's a mystery
Where the heck is Harold Stassen
Guess he's pushin' up the grass..an'
Someone mentioned Alan Keyes

CHORUS (Shouted)

Not again!! Oh, spare us please!

CHORUS

We've seen every one, man
We've seen every one, man
Sure as the mornin' sun, man
They all wanna run, man
Egos by the ton, man

ROVE

I've seen every one.


EVERYTHING's COMING UP ROSES (Gypsy)

Cast portraying Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid

PELOSI

Things are swell!

REID

Things are fine!

PELOSI

Harry's still got his JOB, I got mine

REID

Now we're back.

PELOSI

Frick and Frack.
REID

Nancy, everything's coming up roses!
PELOSI

Lost the House
REID

That's okay

PELOSI

Running things was a drag anyway

REID

Budget cuts? Not for us

PELOSI

Honey, we would be holding our noses!

REID

Who needs winning! Power's lost its lus-TER

PELOSI

My head was spinning!
REID

It's our turn to filibus-TER!
PELOSI

We give up! To the right!
REID

Let them get 60 votes every night!
PELOSI

Our stimulus ... will stimulate!
REID

Any year now! Just you wait!
PELOSI

There's really nothing left for us to do!

REID

Nancy, everything's coming up roses for me and you!
PELOSI

Boehner's in charge; let's see how much that he can do!
BOTH

The mess that we left him will mess up his Tea Party!
CHORUS

Everything's coming up roses for you and for me!



JUST LIKE A LIBERAL (Bob Dylan's Just Like a Woman)

Cast portraying Howard Dean

HOWARD DEAN

Nobody feels any change
Since that election night Chicago - it's all the same!
Everyone supposed, we knew `The One' we chose
But lately we seen the emperor has no clothes
Now we're wondering: Who's that man?

(refrain)
He looks just like a lib-ral
Yes he does and he writes books just like a lib-ral
Yes and his knee jerks just like a lib-ral
But he works with ... the Re-pub-li-CANS


John Boehner's his new friend
Can you believe they cut the rich man's tax again?
What were those campaign pledges worth?
Quell the oceans, heal the earth
Don't ask don't tell the country of your birth
End the war, close Guantanamo - "No we can't!"

(refrain)
He's so cool just like a lib-ral
Yes he is Harvard Law School just like a lib-ral
Suffers us fools, just like a lib-ral
SOLOIST and CHORUS: But he rules with Republi-CANS


MY FAVORITE FRIENDS (My Favorite Things from "The Sound of Music")

Cast portraying Sec. of State Hillary Clinton and global leaders named in the skit:

(Spoken) Oh, no! We said WHAT about WHO?

How dare that Wiki-Leaks publish our super-secret cables? Can you imagine
a world where diplomats say what they really think about foreign leaders?

Well it would certainly make it more fun to listen to Hillary Clinton. Here
comes our frequent-flying secretary of state now.

HILLARY CLINTON, singing:

A thin-skinned French MIDGET who goes by Sar-KO-zy
A dirty old man that they CALL Berlus-CO-ni
A nut job named KARzai who we must defend
These are a few of my favorite friends

Kim JONG-il's a drunken delusional FAT man
MedVEDev and Putin are Robin and BATman
In a Mafia state run by Russian made-men
CHORUS: These are a few of my favorite friends

Germany's MERK-el is timid and NER-vous
QuaDAffi's had sexy UKRAINian nurses
Prince ANdrew's bad language can SOMEtimes offend
CHORUS: These are a few of her favorite friends

After long flights
When this job bites
When I'm feeling bleak
I simply imagine my favorite friends
When they see their WI-ki leak

IT WAS NEWS TO ME (You Belong to Me)

Cast portraying CIA Director Leon Panetta:

PANETTA

See the pyramids along the Nile.
Authoritarians were just our style.
Revolutions brewing all the while
How was I to see?

Tunis, Cairo, those kids ran amok
Hid their plans where we would never look
A very secret place they call Facebook
It was news to me.

Could it be that after all those years
Of giving tyrants cash and guns and gear
Egypt, Bahrain all that oil so dear
Won't belong to us?

CHORUS

Won't belong to us!

_________________________________________________

TSA MEDLEY (Heigh-Ho from "Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs" and Give up the Funk)

TSA SCREENER

Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho! To frisk you we must go! We'll reach way down and grope around!
Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho.

Heigh-ho Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho! We'll goose you 'til you glow!
We're going to look, in every nook! Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho!

If you say NO, say NO! To X-Ray you must go! And we'll divulge your every bulge!
Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho!

Heigh-ho Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho! This may feel kind of low!
If it's a pain, then take the train! Heigh Ho! Heigh-Ho

HARRIED AIR TRAVELER

You got a late flight to catch, you're in line, losing time
There's a whole lot of waitin' goin' on (Heigh-ho!)
You feel a hand on your waist, moving 'round, slidin' down
There's a whole lot of feelin' goin' on (Heigh-ho!)

Don't touch my junk! (Heigh-ho!)
CHORUS: Don't touch my junk! (Heigh-ho!)
I know my rights! (Heigh-ho!)
Stay outta my tights! (Heigh-ho!)
When did the courts (Heigh-ho!)
Let you into my shorts? (Heigh-ho!)
Yo, screener punk! (Heigh-ho!)
CHORUS: Don't touch my junk!
_____________________________________________________________

SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW (from the Wizard of Oz)

Cast portraying Health Sec. Kathleen Sebelius and characters from The Wizard of Oz

SECRETARY SEBELIUS

Somewhere over the rainbow
Mandates lay.
We made sure they won't start 'til
After Election Day.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Cost curves bend,
And the savings we promised
Will cause the debt to end.

But if you have a slacker son
Who's sitting home upon his bum,
He's covered.

And if conditions pre-exist,
You won't lack coverage due to risk.
Don't you just love this?!

Somewhere over the rainbow
Folks will see
A better system if it's fine
with Justice Kennedy.
Some day they'll thank us, yes they will,
But only after
They...get...very ... ill.


TRIANGULATE (Twist and Shout)
Cast portraying Bill Clinton

Well, take it from Bubba now (CHORUS: take it from Bubba)
Tri-ANG-u-LATE! (CHORUS: tri-ang-u-late)
Fake it, fake it, Obama now (CHORUS: fake it Obama)
For me it worked great. (CHORUS: It worked great)

You're going to look so tight (CHORUS: look so tight)
You're going to look so slick (CHORUS: look so slick)
Play the left against the right now (CHORUS: left against right)
Just like I did in 96 (CHORUS: ninety-six)

[8-bar dance break]

CHORUS

Aaah, aaah, aaah, aaah, (squeal)

Well, it's really not that hard now (CHORUS: not that hard)
Tri-ANG-u-LATE! (CHORUS: triangulate!)
Your opponents aren't that smart now (CHORUS: not that smart)
You know they'll take the bait (CHORUS: Take the bait, oooh!)

You're a silver-tongued devil, (CHORUS: silver-tongued devil)
There's no one so deft (CHORUS: none so deft)
You can own the whole center now (CHORUS: own the whole center)
If you freak out the Left (CHORUS: freak out the left!)

CHORUS

Aaah, aaah, aaah, aaah


"MAKE IT STOP" ("Start Me Up" Rolling Stones)

RED CHEERLEADER 1

Yeah we started up
So long ago you thought we'd never stop
Since we started up
You wondered when the show would ever stop

We've been on so long
Bill Daley's nappin' on a table top
Seventh course is done
Alan Greenspan's beggin'make it stop, make it stop, make it, make it, make it stop

We've made you ladies sigh
We've made you grown men cry
We singe but never fry
Sometimes we're cute, sometimes we're mean
Sometimes out meaning is impossible to glean

CHORUS

Time to stop
Time to stop


"THE GRIDIRON PLAYERS'' ("Livin' on a Prayer" Bon Jovi)

BLUE CHEERLEADER 1

They got some nerve to stand up on stage

They're barely employed, they don't act their age
They lust for . . . your gaffes

They been from Dogpatch to Camelot
Coverin' politicians some were clean some not
For tellin' truth to power they're OK but -- for laughs
Is this all they got?

Whoa-oh the Gridiron players
Whoa-no they don't have a prayer
They got a band, pretty costumes to wear
But whoa-no they don't have a prayer

CHORUS

Whoa-oh the Gridiron players
Whoa-no they don't have a prayer
They got a band, pretty costumes to wear
But whoa-no they don't have a prayer


"THE GRIDIRON-RON'' ("Da Doo Ron Ron," Crystals)

RED CHEERLEADERS; BLUE CHEERLEADERS; OLD NEWSBOY;
GOOD-GIRL & BAD-GIRL GROUPS
RED CHEER 1

Tonight we showed the world the way to get along

RED DUET

At Gridiron-ron at Gridiron

RED CHEER 2

Just drink a glass of wine and sing a silly song

CHORUS

At Gridiron-ron at Gridiron
RED DUET

Strange bedfellows
Dancing dosi-dos
'Til the curtains close
CHORUS

At Gridiron-ron at Gridiron

BLUE CHEER 1

Sebelius tried sell us medicine

BLUE DUET

At Gridiron-ron at Gridiron
BLUE CHEER 2

Mitch Daniels rocked us like a crazy man
CHORUS

At Gridiron-ron, at Gridiron
BLUE DUET

Monday we will fight
But we're friends tonight
By the rosy light
Of Gridiron-ron of Gridiron

OLD NEWS

We started up the show in 1885
CHORUS

The Gridiron-ron, the Gridiron

OLD NEWS

Some of us remember 'cause we're still alive

QUINTET

At Gridiron, son, at Gridiron

QUINTET

O say can you see
Sweet Civility
Baby 'tis of thee
We sing at Gridir'n at Gridi-ron

CHORUS REPEATS VERSE

O say can you see . . .

 

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